you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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