New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
