I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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