11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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