I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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