I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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