so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
