A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
