True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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