dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
