I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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