On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
