im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
