FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
