He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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