I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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