The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
im holly from the hills drunk
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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