I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
