i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
