Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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