I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
