dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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