i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
