Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
