The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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