I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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