That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Come see our sink grown plant.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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