We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
