no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
