i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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