Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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