It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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