Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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