Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize