I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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