I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dear god my vagina.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
