Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
