I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
