I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize