whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
