Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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