My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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