mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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