I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
