She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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