Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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