I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
