i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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