So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
