remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
