My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
