I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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