I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
