some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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