It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
