We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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