I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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