Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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