Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
