I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize