my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In other news, I just burned my penis
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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