my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
